Unless you're totally cut off from media, by now you're aware of the Ray Rice girlfriend assault case. But here's the skinny.
Some time back (a ways) the Baltimore Ravens became aware that their star running back Ray Rice was in trouble for striking his fiancee in an elevator. Allegedly ownership hadn't seen any videos, but were aware that he pulled a comatose Janay Palmer out of the elevator in a rather grotesque manner. There may have been spitting involved (by Ray on his fiancee). He received a short suspension from the team, and I presume had some mandatory counseling sessions. Rice and Palmer subsequently married, and life went on.
Then TMZ got a hold of an elevator video showing the graphic details of the fight. It's clear that it was a two way affair, started in a manner that we'll probably never know. Janay is seen charging towards Ray (with intent we'll never know), and he decks her with a left hook that would make Joe Frazier proud. It wasn't just the brutality of the hit that captures a public's emotions; it's the grotesquely casual way that he drags her unconscious body out of the elevator. I don't suppose there's a *good* way to move someone under those conditions without medical personnel and a back board, so we'll just leave it at that description.
Once THE VIDEO went from TMZ's hands to the internet (of course we're shocked that TMZ would ever do such a thing... NOT), the public reaction caused the Ravens immediately to suspend Ray indefinitely, and the NFL as well.
But wait, there's more!
His wife (was fiancee when assaulted) is coming to Ray's defense, and is angry at what has happened to her husband. Oh... so much going on there.
If you think my sarcastic nature is indicative of a casual feeling about battery in relationships, it's not. There's actually a number of things going on here. Two parties were involved in behavior that neither should be proud of. One should have served time in jail. And a public is shocked... shocked I tell you... that there's gambling going on in the casino. I'm sorry, but I'm not shocked by any of this. I'm deeply saddened at the relationship behavior, and I'm disgusted by a public that doth protest too much, methinks.
But that's all good, because I'm giving others a chance to respond here with their feelings. Might as well get it out, because these are the kinds of topics that any decent martial arts instructor should be discussing in class with his/her students.
- Bill
What do you tell students about domestic violence?
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Bill Glasheen
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Dana Sheets
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Re: What do you tell students about relationship violence?
http://www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/ ... ml?hpid=z6
He held a gun to my head. I loved him.
By Leslie Morgan Steiner September 12 at 4:56 PM
Leslie Morgan Steiner is the author of the New York Times best-selling memoir “Crazy Love” and a TED Talk about the many reasons abuse victims stay. She was the general manager of The Washington Post Magazine from 2001 to 2006.
Just before I fell in love with a man who abused me, I spouted off to my New York City roommate that I’d never be stupid enough to stay with a man who hit me. Like most people who are naive about the complexities of relationship violence — victims and bystanders alike — my dismissal of the dangers of abusive love cost me dearly.
When I see footage of Ray Rice knocking his then-fiancee, Janay Palmer, unconscious in an Atlantic City elevator — and her subsequent defense of Rice after he was cut from the Baltimore Ravens and suspended indefinitely from the National Football League this past week — I recognize how hard it can be to leave a violent relationship.
Here are the times I wish I’d left my abusive husband, an Ivy League graduate and Wall Street trader I met in New York when I was 22 and a recent Harvard graduate:
Three months into our relationship, the night he choked me during sex and I wrote it off as weird but somehow erotic (for him; not for me).
The day we moved in together and he wouldn’t talk to me because a male friend from college called to congratulate me on the milestone.
The Saturday he said I looked better without any makeup and told me not to wear it anymore.
The night I was getting dressed to go out to dinner and he told me I was a slut because my skirt was too short.
The morning five days before our wedding when he first physically attacked me, because, he said with his hands around my neck, “you remind me of my mother.”
During our honeymoon, when he punched me so hard my head hit the window in our car.
The night he pulled the keys out of the car ignition while I was driving 55 mph on the highway.
The day he said I couldn’t spend Christmas with my family.
The first time he threatened to kill our dog.
The first time he pushed me down a flight of stairs.
The first time he threatened to pull the trigger of the loaded gun he held at my head.
Here are the reasons I didn’t leave my abusive husband:
No one in my life had ever made me feel so safe, loved, beautiful and validated as he did during the early months of our relationship.
I confused pity with love, feeling sorry for him because he had been beaten and starved by his stepfather as a child.
I thought I was the only woman who could help him face his demons.
In between the terrible times, he still made me laugh.
I loved him.
No one but Janay and Ray Rice knows whether their relationship has been violent beyond that elevator ride, but I do know that isolated incidents of relationship violence are rare. They’re typically part of a pattern — a pattern that’s the same no matter the education, ethnicity, income level, race or gender of the victim or abuser. In my experience, this is how it goes: Fairy-tale romance. Isolation from friends, family, neighbors and co-workers. Threat of violence. Actual violence. Convincing apology. Repeat.
One in four women and one in seven men have been victims of severe relationship violence.
The riskiest time in a woman’s life for relationship violence is between the ages of 18 and 34.
Up to half of women who visit emergency rooms have been abused at some point in their lives.
It takes the average domestic violence victim seven attempts, often over a period of years, before she — or he, because men can be victims, too — ends the abusive relationship for good.
Once the victim does leave, she is in the greatest danger, because most domestic violence homicides happen after the victim has ended the relationship.
Here is what helped me end my marriage after four years of brutal attacks:
Every survivor makes these lists.
She may also wonder why people asked, so often and publicly, “Why does she stay with a man who beats her?” And why so few asked why Ray Rice would hit the woman who loves him.
I wish the world could give Janay Rice, and other victims of relationship violence, the dignity they deserve.
Instead of condemning her for loving a troubled man, let’s educate ourselves about the twisted psychology of abusive love, so that we can be there for her if she decides to leave. Firing Roger Goodell and blaming the NFL won’t do Janay Rice, or any other domestic violence victims, any good.
Rather, we should hold abusers — and no one else — responsible for the damage they inflict.
leslie@lesliemorgansteiner.com
He held a gun to my head. I loved him.
By Leslie Morgan Steiner September 12 at 4:56 PM
Leslie Morgan Steiner is the author of the New York Times best-selling memoir “Crazy Love” and a TED Talk about the many reasons abuse victims stay. She was the general manager of The Washington Post Magazine from 2001 to 2006.
Just before I fell in love with a man who abused me, I spouted off to my New York City roommate that I’d never be stupid enough to stay with a man who hit me. Like most people who are naive about the complexities of relationship violence — victims and bystanders alike — my dismissal of the dangers of abusive love cost me dearly.
When I see footage of Ray Rice knocking his then-fiancee, Janay Palmer, unconscious in an Atlantic City elevator — and her subsequent defense of Rice after he was cut from the Baltimore Ravens and suspended indefinitely from the National Football League this past week — I recognize how hard it can be to leave a violent relationship.
Here are the times I wish I’d left my abusive husband, an Ivy League graduate and Wall Street trader I met in New York when I was 22 and a recent Harvard graduate:
Three months into our relationship, the night he choked me during sex and I wrote it off as weird but somehow erotic (for him; not for me).
The day we moved in together and he wouldn’t talk to me because a male friend from college called to congratulate me on the milestone.
The Saturday he said I looked better without any makeup and told me not to wear it anymore.
The night I was getting dressed to go out to dinner and he told me I was a slut because my skirt was too short.
The morning five days before our wedding when he first physically attacked me, because, he said with his hands around my neck, “you remind me of my mother.”
During our honeymoon, when he punched me so hard my head hit the window in our car.
The night he pulled the keys out of the car ignition while I was driving 55 mph on the highway.
The day he said I couldn’t spend Christmas with my family.
The first time he threatened to kill our dog.
The first time he pushed me down a flight of stairs.
The first time he threatened to pull the trigger of the loaded gun he held at my head.
Here are the reasons I didn’t leave my abusive husband:
No one in my life had ever made me feel so safe, loved, beautiful and validated as he did during the early months of our relationship.
I confused pity with love, feeling sorry for him because he had been beaten and starved by his stepfather as a child.
I thought I was the only woman who could help him face his demons.
In between the terrible times, he still made me laugh.
I loved him.
No one but Janay and Ray Rice knows whether their relationship has been violent beyond that elevator ride, but I do know that isolated incidents of relationship violence are rare. They’re typically part of a pattern — a pattern that’s the same no matter the education, ethnicity, income level, race or gender of the victim or abuser. In my experience, this is how it goes: Fairy-tale romance. Isolation from friends, family, neighbors and co-workers. Threat of violence. Actual violence. Convincing apology. Repeat.
One in four women and one in seven men have been victims of severe relationship violence.
The riskiest time in a woman’s life for relationship violence is between the ages of 18 and 34.
Up to half of women who visit emergency rooms have been abused at some point in their lives.
It takes the average domestic violence victim seven attempts, often over a period of years, before she — or he, because men can be victims, too — ends the abusive relationship for good.
Once the victim does leave, she is in the greatest danger, because most domestic violence homicides happen after the victim has ended the relationship.
Here is what helped me end my marriage after four years of brutal attacks:
- I did not have children with him.
I had two friends who guessed my secret, who didn’t judge me for it or try to force me to leave before I was ready.
Two police officers matter-of-factly informed me that, if I stayed with my husband, they would find me dead on my living room floor one day.
A domestic violence advocate went to family court to tell the judge why I needed a protection order; I was afraid the judge would believe my husband instead of me.
My mother gave me $10,000 because she knew that money would solve at least a few of my problems. And she gave it to me without saying “I told you so.”
I hired a divorce lawyer who persuaded me to give my ex-husband a lump-sum payment of $3,000 as part of our divorce settlement, so that the man I once thought was my soulmate could feel he had truly beaten me for good. It was the best money I ever spent because I haven’t heard from him in 20 years.
When it came to a choice between him or me, I chose me.
Every survivor makes these lists.
She may also wonder why people asked, so often and publicly, “Why does she stay with a man who beats her?” And why so few asked why Ray Rice would hit the woman who loves him.
I wish the world could give Janay Rice, and other victims of relationship violence, the dignity they deserve.
Instead of condemning her for loving a troubled man, let’s educate ourselves about the twisted psychology of abusive love, so that we can be there for her if she decides to leave. Firing Roger Goodell and blaming the NFL won’t do Janay Rice, or any other domestic violence victims, any good.
Rather, we should hold abusers — and no one else — responsible for the damage they inflict.
leslie@lesliemorgansteiner.com
Did you show compassion today?
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Bill Glasheen
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- Joined: Thu Mar 11, 1999 6:01 am
- Location: Richmond, VA --- Louisville, KY
Re: What do you tell students about relationship violence?
I waited a short while before reading this, because at first I wasn't sure I'd feel comfortable with what was expressed by a third party. So much nonsensical vitriol has been printed and spoken. Here's an example.
..... NOW wants Roger Goodell out
Even Dr. Phil... wait... Dr. Phil gave a point of view on The Doctors which was about what I expected. Here's an example.
..... Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship
Am I the only one who sees it? I was beginning to wonder.
Well... the wait was worth it. Leslie Morgan Steiner nailed it. Bravo! Please read that article very carefully.
More later.
- Bill
..... NOW wants Roger Goodell out
Even Dr. Phil... wait... Dr. Phil gave a point of view on The Doctors which was about what I expected. Here's an example.
..... Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship
Am I the only one who sees it? I was beginning to wonder.
Well... the wait was worth it. Leslie Morgan Steiner nailed it. Bravo! Please read that article very carefully.
More later.
- Bill
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Bill Glasheen
- Posts: 17299
- Joined: Thu Mar 11, 1999 6:01 am
- Location: Richmond, VA --- Louisville, KY
Re: What do you tell students about relationship violence?
I've been watching "ordinary person" reaction to the Ray Rice and Janay Palmer video brouhaha for days on various newspaper Comment venues adjacent to articles about the video. I haven't seen a bigger collection of *both* mysandrists and mysogenists in a single place in a while.
Here's something worth quoting and savoring.
More later.
- Bill
Here's something worth quoting and savoring.
This isn't a political football; it's violence - pure and simple.Leslie Morgain Steiner wrote: No one but Janay and Ray Rice knows whether their relationship has been violent beyond that elevator ride, but I do know that isolated incidents of relationship violence are rare. They’re typically part of a pattern — a pattern that’s the same no matter the education, ethnicity, income level, race or gender of the victim or abuser.
More later.
- Bill
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Bill Glasheen
- Posts: 17299
- Joined: Thu Mar 11, 1999 6:01 am
- Location: Richmond, VA --- Louisville, KY
Re: What do you tell students about domestic violence?
1) What do you tell female students who were, are, or will be victims of domestic violence?
2) What do you tell male students who were, are, or will be victims of domestic violence?
Oh yes... both are relevant.
Yes, I've had to deal with both situations.
- Bill
2) What do you tell male students who were, are, or will be victims of domestic violence?
Oh yes... both are relevant.
Do you think the situation is any easier for a male? Guess again. Think about it. Even if we put ego aside, what are the unique issues involved?Leslie Morgan Steiner wrote: One in four women and one in seven men have been victims of severe relationship violence.
Yes, I've had to deal with both situations.
- Bill
