It is I who am lost, not he. I am lost in my search for him, knowing he is nowhere in this world. And still, so many times he has been besides me in dreams and real life places in ways hard to describe. Sometimes I hear his voice 'I love you dad'... But when I look over my shoulder, he is not there.
I am always inventing stories trying to cope with this unbearable sorrow... My son is not dead; he is out in his yard cutting the grass sitting on the Club Cadet riding lawn mower_ he is just turning the corner into our driveway to visit and tune up my PC.
He is in his dorm room at Boston College , where he will graduate Summa Cum Laude in computer sciences_ talking deep into the night with his buddies. He is lingering with new friends on the rooftop of his software firm where he works as a vice president of International engineering.
He is with me at the Acura dealership where we went to purchase his new TL. He was so excited.
We were always invited at his home for Thanksgiving dinner, he was such a gracious host, and so considerate and loved by all on and off the job. He had so many loving friends. One thanksgiving Holiday he invited for dinner several Russians colleagues who had been working at his firm on an exchange program and feeling lonely. They were so grateful for his kindness.
“Where are you, my son?” I shout the question to the sky when I am strong enough to bear the silence that follows. “Why did you die?” Even that has no real answer. His doctors and all of us at home were convinced he was going to recover… he was doing so well after his hellish surgeries. He kept telling us "not to worry... I will be fine...I feel fine"
This cloud of uncertainty does not obscure what I know: My child is dead.
I feel guilty about his death...I feel a sense of failure for not having been able to protect/save him from his fate...still living when he is gone defies the natural order, a violation of the basic canon of parenthood.
So unbearable is my occluded heart that I call out to him in desperation so many times at his grave site. "get up off the ground and get into my car so I can take you home" Then I realize the futility of my shouts...I look down and see a couple of large round stones placed neatly side by side upon his tomb. Don't know who put them there.
Most often...while at the grave...My eyes closed in grief, when suddenly I seem to see him before me, In my mind’s eye, his face was suffused with love.
"love always, Dad" he says.
“But where are you?” I ask.
“I’m here!” he answers… "Thank you for coming'_ 'Just love me Dad' And then he is gone.
As he lay in his own bed dying unable to move or speak, I had told I loved him, I begged him to just get up and walk away, as this was just a bad dream…he never answered but gently twitched his arm upon which my hand was resting.
His last words written/emailed to me were ' Dad, you were always there when I needed you, love always'
“love always, Dad”
His words always unleash a torrent. My tears stream. I feel breathless … I would continue to try to find new ways to love him.
This Thanksgiving I will again drive by his beautiful home where he lived with his family...strange thing...every time I drive by there, the house seems almost ghostly, with windows curtains drawn and dark inside, as there were nobody living there.
But I look for him everywhere, in every full moon, in each brilliant day...or when it rains hard as id did at his funeral...just writing this seems to place a weight in my heart making each breath shallow and every step an effort.
On the worst days I sit before my PC and pour out my feelings to the only entity who can take in my sorrow and remain unbowed. The keyboard is damp at the final touch…the final refrain leaves my fingertips: I love you, my son , I love you. I miss you. I'll wait for you on Christmas eve to knock on the front door.
He lives within me, forever a young man … always compassionate, kind, helpful, altruistic, determined to excel and brave even in death.
I still search for him, but without desperation. I look for him in others. My search is lifted by his words: “Just love me. I’m here.”- " Love always. Dad"
