Lawyer jokes

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Lawyer jokes

Postby Bill Glasheen » Wed Feb 03, 1999 2:54 pm

There are a few new ones here worth chuckling over. And for the sensitive pantywaists out there, keep it. These were sent to me by my lawyer brother. Gotta have a designated S.O.B. in the family


Lawyer Jokes

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer.
You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?

Shoot the lawyer. Twice.


A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's
"$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.
"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
"Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"


It was so cold last winter.
How cold was it?

I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets


What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving?



The Lawyer's Creed:

A man is innocent until proven broke.


Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?

They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure
out which side to spit on.


Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?

To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same


What's the worst part about seeing 5 lawyers in Cadillac go over a

A Cadillac seats six


Sadam Housain and a lawyer are buried neck deep in sand. Who do
you kick in the teeth first??

Housain, Business before pleasure


Why don't lawyers go to the beach?

Cats keep trying to bury them in the sand.


What's the difference between a female attorney and a pit bull?

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Lawyer jokes

Postby gem » Wed Feb 03, 1999 6:00 pm

A transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the Mental health institute.

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press since no-one will answer.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.

If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem. Please hang up. All of our operators are too busy to talk to you.

If you're from Texas, don't bother.

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Lawyer jokes

Postby JOHN THURSTON » Wed Feb 03, 1999 8:35 pm

AW-now you done gone and hurt my feelings.


You know how I tell that non lawyers are smarter than Attorneys?

They all practice on their own and they never had to pay law school tuition.

A remark made by Judge White (Plymouth Superior Ct.) comes to mind, I was sitting in motion session and a guy was trying to represent himself on a fairly complex matter:

White, J.: "I'd sooner recommend to you that you perform brain surgery on yourself-be back in one week with an Attorney or your toothbrush".

The Guy started looking around the courtroom, asks if I am an an Attorney:
Answer: "NO-not today."

All lawyers jokes accepted in relatively good humour.


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Lawyer jokes

Postby Robb in Sacramento » Thu Feb 04, 1999 5:02 am


It's nice to know there are other attorneys willing to share in the humiliation on these forums.


My own favorite is how many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb. Answer: How many can you afford?

So, Bill, is it true there are only four kinds of doctors:

There is the surgeon who knows nothing but does everything,

The psychiatrist who knows nothing and does nothing,

The internist, who knows everything, but does nothing,

and the pathologist, who knows everyting and does everything, but it's a day late.

I am not sure where the medical researcher fits into this scheme.

Robb in Sacramento
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Lawyer jokes

Postby T Rose » Thu Feb 04, 1999 4:44 pm

Lawyer's Words . . .

Things people actually said in court, word for word. (Some lack responses for obvious reasons.)
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
Q: This myasthenia gravis -- does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you have
Q: How old is your son -- the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I cannot remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.
Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.
Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.
Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.
Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.
Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?
Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
Q: Did he kill you?
Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?
Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
>: You were not shot in the fracas?
>: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
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Lawyer jokes

Postby JOHN THURSTON » Thu Feb 04, 1999 7:34 pm

It's difficult to respond to all this flattery, but I would appreciate one thing: I need those that submitted jokes over the inernet of this type to supply Addresses for
Return of Service of Process.

Oh Wait-my partner tells me that makimg me laugh out loud and blow chunks is not a cause of action.

Oh well, just refer them to "Doc U Pro".

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Lawyer jokes

Postby Robb in Sacramento » Fri Feb 05, 1999 2:16 am


Of course you have a cause of action, and your partner may also have one if when you blow chunks he is in the "Zone of Danger."

Speaking of zone of danger, how do you know you are in a zone of danger, the person next to you is wearing a white coat and has M.D. embroidered after his/her name.

Robb in Sacramento
Robb in Sacramento
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Location: Sacramento, California, USA

Lawyer jokes

Postby JOHN THURSTON » Fri Feb 05, 1999 3:08 am

Nothing is apparently sacred!!!



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