When I first went to a karate school I was an insecure and self destructive person who didn't know how to stand up for myself. I only was ever able to stand up for other people in social situations, but there was some disconnect when it came to physically asserting myself, I was somehow horrified at the thought of punching someone in the face, in defense of myself. I think I just wanted a temporary father figure to give me permission to be violent at appropriate times, just like everyone else. I should have taken a boxing class, and taken some kind of therapy.
Instead of learning how to deal with social violence, I learned this dark protocol for how to keep myself in ready alert status for an unarmed commando raid behind enemy lines in the service of the Ming empire, or whatever.
I'm not putting down karate, I just realized I have been obsessed with it to the detriment of growth in the rest of my life, and have used it exactly like I used to use drugs, as a way to escape reality.
Maybe I'll find some kind of boxing class around here, and see if I can gain a new perspective on what I'm doing.
I'm a musician, not a mystical warrior. I'm basically just a gentle soul who wasn't able to find the worth or strength in just being me. The other day, I saved a mouse from my cat. "poor mouse", as my hand shot out to pin the cat to the floor while the mouse, who had been playing 'possum while being pawed and tossed around, found it's chance to run out the door.
I just need perspective. Sorry for the interruption.
And best wishes to everyone here in their endeavors. Really cool people.
